Brittle Bones, Tender Touch
by KiwiDayDreams
Summary: Joker's claims about being a ladies' man drives Shepard into daring him to prove it. She never suspects  that he would take on her challenge and discover her well-guarded secret! Unabashed Shoker banter and mature content ahead!
1. The Challenge

WARNING: In the process of writing this as a fill for the Mass Effect Kink Meme so there are naughty bits!

This is my first Shoker and it's taken on a mind of its own so I have no idea where it will end. Hope Shoker fans enjoy!

* * *

In all her time serving with the Alliance, it was inevitable that Shepard would eventually find herself in the company of a few swaggering rookies. They would strut and preen and try to tell her stories of how they had almost died on this mission or had single-handedly won another – vying relentlessly for her attention long enough to get her into their bunk for the night. But like any good Alliance soldier, Shepard was not one to be swayed by pretty, flexing things, and found great pleasure in informing them that she had been five ranks above them by the time she was twenty. Some squirmed away out of fear of being discharged for harassing a superior, while others skulked out of her sight merely due to marred pride. Then, there was the occasional, puffed up subordinate that was undeterred by either of the prior reasons, and thought it would be a lovely notch in their belt to say they'd banged their Commander.

They usually left on a stretcher.

Shepard had always assumed that when you were involved in a war that it should be your primary objective, no distractions. She supposed she could understand Garrus' point of view on the whole thing, using sex as a stress reliever, but it didn't sound like the Turian males were half as irritating about it. Everything was much more straight-forward and to the point – much like she preferred it. Not to say that any of the dipshits that had approached her would have done much better saying 'Hello, Shepard, let's go fuck in the hanger'.

No. That one ended up the infirmary for three weeks.

Funny thing was she never received any complaints from the board about her violent behavior towards the other soldiers. None of them filed a thing.

It had been a few years since all that, though. She'd earned a reputation and it cleared the way of any more of that nonsense. It only amused her when Joker began making the same old tired claims she had heard long ago. Somehow, it suited him, and it didn't bother her in the slightest that he swore he could make any lady swoon. Maybe it was because it wasn't directed at her this time.

"Seriously."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. See? This is my serious face," Joker stared up at her with his jaw set firm.

"So, how many dates have you had?"

"Well, plenty! Of course, I...haven't had the time to work my charms lately – being the best pilot in the known galaxy puts you very high in demand."

"Uh-huh," Shepard said with a wry grin.

"Oh, right. Yuk it up, Commander. What's the last date you ever had?" he said, sinking in his chair a little sourly. Shepard's smile waned at the question and she brought her hand up as she cleared her throat so he might not see the change. Joker was not so easily fooled. "Oh, come on. Really?"

"Like you said. I don't have time...or interest," she murmured the last part as she folded her hands behind her back and straightened her posture.

"Uh... Commander, you do realize like half the crew would jump if you just asked."

"I'm not keen on using my position to -"

"Not what I meant. What I'm saying is there are plenty of choices here. How can you possibly have 'no interest'?" She couldn't believe he had just air-quoted her knowing how much she hated the gesture since the Turian Councilor done it. But it was Joker and he was more than likely just trying to ruffle her feathers on purpose.

"I just don't," she replied. "We have more important things to be concerned about. The Reapers are trying to destroy the galaxy – not exactly the ideal time for a budding romance."

"It's the best time," Joker argued. "Imminent danger, saving each other from certain doom, crazy spur-of-the-moment passion?" Shepard crossed her arms now and regarded him with a crooked expression.

"I had no idea you were into that sort of thing."

"I told you – I'm a romantic. Especially if said romance involves epic space battles."

"Sounds like you've been watching too many action vids to me," she replied with a small, breathy laugh.

"It happens when you're stuck in a bed for most of your childhood. But my heroic back-story aside, I think you would be perfectly interested if you met the right person."

"Didn't know you were a pilot and a psychoanalyst, Joker."

"I may not be a people person, but I know people."

"Alright – if you're so smart - who is my Mister Right?" Shepard could barely contain the grin when she found her question brought Joker's ever-ready responses to a halt. He hadn't been expecting her to ask him that, and she watched his eyes dart off to the side as she waited for an answer.

"Finding a perfect match to one's personality and biological makeup is extremely unlikely, although an agreeable partnership is much more plausible. Examining the Commander's profile suggests that she would enjoy the company of a fellow human with whom she has frequently worked and survived many hardships. These mutual, life-changing experiences would allow a beneficial relationship for both parties."

Joker stared hard at EDI's sphere, and for a moment Shepard thought he might be sweating. She may have prodded him about his silence had she not been locked in thought about EDI's recommendation. The quiet continued for only a few more heartbeats before EDI added:

"It would seem that Jeff fits-"

"PERFECTLY IN THIS CHAIR!" Joker exclaimed. "Have I mentioned how comfortable it is? Leather seats – real leather!"

"Yes, you've mentioned," Shepard quipped.

"As I was saying," he huffed, avoiding her gaze as he went back to tapping at the controls before him. "Considering the galaxy is at stake I completely understand throwing yourself into work and all, but that doesn't mean you should completely ignore other things. You'll miss out... I know I have."

"Sounds like you're speaking from experience," she said softly, noticing the regretful lilt to his voice.  
He glanced up at her and gave a mild shrug before turning back to his work.

"Maybe." Shepard paused, feeling a little guilty for his seeming discomfort with her remark. She gnawed on her lower lip briefly before she leaned down by him with her hand on the back of his chair.

"Well, if you're really the biggest ladies' man in the 'verse then you should be perfect to show me just what I'm missing, right?" she teased. When he looked over at her and she watched his mouth curl into a mischievous grin, she knew she had pulled him out of the somber mood. She kept her own expression challenging and playful, though there was something about the way his eyebrow quirked that made her feel a twinge of unfamiliar nervousness.

"That's dangerous territory, Commander. Not sure you could handle it."

"Pft, whatever." She pushed back up to her full height, hands resting at her hips. "You can talk the talk but meet me in my quarters later and we'll see if you can wa-... You know what I mean." Having completely flubbed her exiting remark, Shepard turned swiftly to go. Joker watched her as much as he was able before his neck refused to give any further. Turning back around her glared at EDI.

"Don't ever do that again."

"You were fumbling, Mr. Moreau. The conversation needed to be redirected or the outcome would not result as desired."

"We made an agreement. You stay out of my personal files and I stop making you spontaneously break out into show tunes."

"Your assumption is incorrect, Jeff. I did not need to reference your files to come to my conclusion. Your attraction to the Commander is easily evidenced in your elevated temperature and heart rate whenever she is present in the cockpit."

"Would you just – shush!" Joker hissed as if he was afraid someone might be listening in.

"Juvenile behavior is also a common result."

"You're juvenile," he muttered under his breath. EDI fell silent and Joker suspected if she had eyes she would have been rolling them at him.

"I am taking over the Normandy's controls now, Jeff." He hated when she said his name like that, with a tone of finality that said that their current discussion had just ended. Despite being an AI she really managed to sound like a typical human female when it came to winning arguments: 'I won, you lost, accept it. No, by the way, there are no do-overs.'

Joker let out a deep breath, knowing that EDI would not unlock the controls until she saw fit. He had the choice of either sitting completely useless in his chair or taking the Commander up on her challenge. There was no contest, really. As he hoisted himself carefully out of the pilot's chair, he decided there was one place he needed to go before he ventured into the unknown that was the Commander's quarters.

* * *

Shepard idly filed through emails and reports on the computer in her cabin. She had buried herself in her work the moment she returned, ignoring the fact that her conversation with a certain pilot had become thoroughly distracting. She couldn't believe she had actually told him to come up to her cabin, much less in order to prove his prowess as a supposed heart breaker. He probably took it as a joke, right? He couldn't have possibly taken her seriously. It was Joker, after all. Right...?

Her eyes lifted to survey the room and she felt a twinge of panic. She never expected company and the entire room was a disaster. There were datapads and papers scattered all over the desk, unorganized but everything where she could easily find it. Her blankets and pillows were still slung across the bed where she had left them about fifteen hours prior. There was even the wayward pair of underclothes laying at the foot of the step.

Instinctively, she lurched to her feet and began a frenzied attempt to pick up the room. He wasn't coming - he wasn't! But she wasn't about to take that chance! She was fighting with the covers on her bed, trying to get them even and flat when she cursed herself. Why was she acting so terribly unprofessional? If Joker did show up all she had to do was tell him it was a huge misunderstanding and she had merely been joking with him the whole time. The thought led to a memory of Joker's saddened expression from their conversation before. Could she really do that to him? Disappoint him? She planted her face into the mattress and kicked her feet in agitation.

"Get a grip," she muffled into the bed before lifting her head again. All she had to do was think about this logically. In the event Joker arrived at her door she had two choices: turn him away or invite him in. Well, technically she had already invited him so it would be rude to change her mind now. So he would come in and start laying down those cheesy lines just like all the marines. She would laugh and pat him on the back and say 'Well, guess your charms just don't work on me!', and that would be that. Yes, that would be that.

But as a good soldier she should be prepared for the unexpected. What if he tried to make a move on her? Her fingertips wadded the blanket into their grip. Well, if that happened she would just stop him and tell him how unprofessional it would be to do such a thing. But, then again, what if she indulged him...just a little bit?

'That's dangerous territory, Commander...' Shepard felt a chill run through her spine as Joker's cocky smirk flickered into her memory. No... No, it would just be best to not let this get out of hand.

"Commander Shepard," EDI's voice cut through her mental berating.

"No! Yes! I mean...What?" she declared, leaping to her feet again.

"Mr. Moreau is requesting entry into your quarters. What is your response?" Shepard shoved the wayward hair out of her face, raking her fingers through it, before tossing the bedding into place and shoving the laundry out of sight.

"Just...one moment!"

* * *

"What's she doing?"

"That would be a breach of privacy, Jeff."

"Fine." Joker huffed a breath and let his eyes wander to the bare walls and ceiling before adding, "What's she wearing?"

"Denied." There was that tone again.

"You're such a party pooper."

It didn't take much longer before the door finally opened with Shepard there to greet him. Unfortunately, she was not dressed in the lingerie she was so often wearing in his fantasies, but she looked damn good in anything she wore.

"Hello, Joker," she said, seeming to have a hard time looking him in the eye.

"Am I too early? We didn't exactly set a time or anything."

"No, it's fine. It's just that I...," she paused, unable to ignore it any longer. "What is that?"

"Oh," Joker said with a wry grin. "Like the awesome date I am, I came prepared."


	2. The Secret

He opened the container he had been holding in front of himself and the scent that Shepard had caught became more heavenly potent. It was something she hadn't smelled in years.

"There's no way," she insisted, stepping forward to look for herself. Joker's grin had spread about a mile wide by the time she looked up at him again. "Chicken parmigiana?" Shepard was surprised at the amount of disbelief in her own voice. Where had he gotten it? It didn't look like one of the synthesized meals, they tended to look more dry. The smell of the food alone told her it was unmistakably fresh and it was all she could do to stop her mouth from watering. "Okay, I'm stumped. Where did you get it?"

"The mess hall," Joker replied, his amusement at her reaction perfectly clear.

"Gardner made this?"

"Come on, Shepard," the pilot stressed, brow tilting.

"You made it?"

"The world must be ending, I know."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Shepard said, finally taking a step back. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just rare to see a fresh-cooked meal anywhere but Earth these days. And, besides, it's not like you ever mentioned being able to cook either."

"A guy's gotta have some secrets," he grinned. "So... Can I come in or...?"

"Oh, yeah," she nodded and stepped aside, allowing him room to slip by. Funny thing was she hadn't even second-guessed the gesture. Then again, she reminded herself that it only made sense to honor her invite. Now it was just a matter of keeping things simple. She inhaled the smell of the meal again and sighed, closing her eyes a moment. It smelled absolutely delicious, and it was her favorite, too. He must have found the information in her dossier.

But since when did they include trivial information like that?

Joker couldn't stop himself from smiling as he sat the box on her paper covered desk for lack of a more suitable place. He was really quite proud of himself so far, having managed to actually surprise her. It wasn't something that happened often, or at least not in a good way. He had to admit it had been a bit of work finding the fresh ingredients for their dinner; Gardner's method of sorting and storing things in the kitchen was a haphazard at best. Luckily, it was late enough that the mess hall had been vacant and he had been able to go about his deeds unhindered.

When he had finished meticulously dishing out the food onto two plates he turned to find that Shepard hadn't moved from the doorway where he left her. She seemed lost in thought and for a second he worried that maybe this was a bad idea. But she had been the one to invite him up, so how could he suddenly have made her uncomfortable?

"Earth to Shepard," he said, waving the dish in front of her subtly until her eyes snapped to attention.

"Thanks," she said as she took the plate from him. Her expression turned soft, if a little puzzled looking. When he turned to head for the sofa she followed him, waiting until he was comfortable before taking a seat on the opposite side of the corner to face him.

"It's alright, Shepard," he quipped as he started twirling noodles around his fork.

"What?" she asked, her own fork half in her mouth. The sauce had just barely graced her tongue and it was already making her ravenous.

"I'm not gonna eat you," he said, expertly getting the pasta in his mouth without so much as a drop of sauce on his chin.

"I didn't think that." She grimaced when he gave her a disbelieving look. "I'm just not used to company, much less...dates."

"It was your idea."

"I know," she murmured.

"Hey, don't sound so disappointed about it. You might hurt my manly feelings." When she looked up at him in complete seriousness, questioning the possibility, he grinned and shook his head. "It's the bones that are brittle, not my ego." It was unusual seeing his Commander so concerned about everything. Perhaps she wasn't used to dealing with things without a gun at her hip. He could understand. He felt much the same way about the Normandy.

"This is really good," she commented, wiping some sauce from the corner of her mouth and sucking it off her fingertip. Joker grinned broadly, his fork hovering over his plate. "Oh, what now?"

"Man, you're a tease."

"What? What did I do?" she asked, entirely perplexed.

God, she was adorable. His Commander was adorable. It wasn't exactly a word he would have used to describe her before. Badass, certainly. Unattainable vixen, of course. Battle temptress, definitely. Adorable? Not so much, until now at least. She hadn't quite blushed yet, but at the rate things were going Joker supposed it wasn't too far off. It was amazing how much she was acting like some young, flustered girl given the circumstances. She was the savior of the galaxy, had died once, and showed nerves of steel in situations where most people would have easily pissed themselves. Joker was more than confident in himself but he knew better than to suppose his mere boyish charms were what was ruffling his Commander. They probably weren't helping, though.

This made absolutely no sense, whatsoever, Shepard mulled in her head. It was Joker for God's sake. JOKER! She'd talked to him thousands upon thousands of times and it was no big deal. Sure, he had brought her dinner – her favorite dinner – but that was hardly cause to act like an idiot. Why did he keep grinning at her like that? Part of her really wished he'd knock it off and the other part of her couldn't get enough of it. Honestly, Joker's smile was one of his best features, particularly when it was genuine. But he was always smiling about something else, not focusing it on her.

Joker figured there was no reason to hide it now, and it felt sort of good to just let the smiles fly all around. She probably didn't know it but more than half of his smirks and grins were directed firmly at her. It was his secret way of expressing an interest he knew she would never notice. She was too damn busy all the time and how was he supposed to openly compete with prettyboys like Alenko or exotic Asari like Liara? But they weren't here now, were they? And here he was in his Captain's cabin, feeding her dinner, making her act like a girl. His creaky legs be damned – life was bliss.

Shepard managed to finish the rest of her meal in relative silence, keeping her eyes averted from the pilot so as not to be thrown off by his glances. It gave her a little time to regain and reassure herself that this was nothing but a casual meeting. She was in control. Nothing would happen that she didn't want to happen. She relished the feeling of contentment that a full stomach gave her, and finally granted her guest a proper look.

"That was lovely. Thank you, Joker," she said, rising to her feet and moving to retrieve his plate from where he had placed it on the sofa beside him. Joker took note at the more normal tone and body language Shepard had taken on. That would make the next few seconds quite interesting.

As she leaned down to stack the plates, he swiftly, though gently, captured her free hand in his own. Her eyes darted over to him and he smiled, pressing a gentle kiss on her fingers before releasing them.

"No, thank _you_," he murmured. Shepard froze momentarily even after he had let go and then seemed to lurch into action again like a slow-motion video returning to proper speed. She nearly tripped on the step but somehow managed to make it look like she planned to hop over it entirely.

Joker didn't watch her retreat or see her fumble, though he was almost certain he could hear it. Well, she hadn't hauled off and punched him yet, that was a good sign. He was equally delighted at being so close to her for once, actually being able to kiss her – if only just her hand. He could have hoped for more, but he didn't dare. This was his chance and he wasn't about to blow it by giving into some inane fantasy. This was damned real and if there was one hope he did have, it was that he didn't screw things up before he got a chance to say it. She was amazing and inspiring and for once he wasn't the only one making himself believe that he mattered. He adored her, loved her with everything he was and there wouldn't be another cycle gone by without him saying so.

Shepard could only wish her thoughts were so clear. As she placed the dishes back into the mess hall container, she discovered she couldn't get the feeling of Joker's lips off her hand. Her skin was tingling and no matter how much she rubbed her fingers the sensation wouldn't go away. It wasn't a terrible thing to experience, in fact it rather thrilled her, but it was ridiculously foreign. She gave an almost soundless laugh, bemused by the fact that she was so intimate with her crew mates but something as simple as this had her reeling.

"You okay?" his voice carried in the space of her quarters and she turned to find him leaning on the support beam near the step. He reached up and scratched at his brow with a thumb, nudging his trademark cap out of the way just a bit. She found he gesture endearing. As she gazed at him, a sense of warmth washed over her. Just like she had been telling herself this whole time: this was Joker. This was the pilot that had been with her through thick and thin, the man who had saved her ass as much as she had saved his. He was the last person she had seen before she died, and the first person she had reunited with when she came back to life. She really was being a fool.

"Yeah," she said, smiling now. "Listen, Joker... I really need to apologize."

"For what?" he asked, standing straight now. For once, he was the one to look confused.

"I called you up here on a dare and that was perfectly childish of me."

"It's okay, we can all stand a little juvenile behavior." He emphasized 'juvenile' in case a certain AI was listening in.

"I really did appreciate the dinner. It was very thoughtful of you. Honestly, I don't even know how you figured it out."

"I'm resourceful," he said, walking casually towards her best he could manage.

"I just don't think I've been very hospitable..."

"I'll get over it if you do me one small favor." Shepard paused and looked up at him. She hadn't realized that he had drawn so close, or that he was actually taller than she was. Given that he was always seated it wasn't really a surprise that she would only notice it now.

"What?" He reached up and carefully unfolded her fingers that had been tangling and wringing themselves relentlessly in the last few minutes without her knowing.

"Relax," he said lightly before reaching up and brushing the wayward hair out of her face and around her ear. Joker would have commended himself for being so daring, but he was too busy admiring her eyes to really think about it. He had seen them express many different things, but never had they been so innocent looking as they had now. "I mean you're usually pretty tense, but I figured that might let up a little once the guns stopped blazing... Especially after such a delectable meal."

"About that...," she hesitated.

"Are you... You're blushing." He was grinning again. "Geez, Commander, you're making this way too eas-"

"I'm a virgin!" she declared out of nowhere. Joker blinked, a little startled at her outburst, and from the look on her face she seemed just as surprised.

"Ah...ha.. Well, I guess if you're completely rebuilt, technically that makes sense," he chuckled, still unsure of how to react.

"No, I mean before that," Shepard blurted. "I'm not playing hard to get, Joker. I just never..."

"Oh. Uh. Wow... Alright," he nodded, about a million different thoughts rushing through his head, dizzying him. Shepard was a virgin. His Commander was a virgin. Untouched, unsullied, pure Shepard. It didn't bother him in the slightest, rather it spoke to a very naughty part of him that he indulged with his late night vid escapades. And Shepard? Shit, it was like hitting a double whammy.

"Joker, why are you pinching yourself?" Shepard pulled him from his daydreaming and he dropped the hand from his arm.

"Sorry," he shook his head. "Just a little surprised."

"Why's that surprising? I told you I never had time."

"Yeah, but like I said just about everyone on this ship would jump at the chance. I'm sure you could have made time if you wanted."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Would you...jump..?"

He laughed gently, tugging the bill of his cap down a little and averting his gaze from her. "My legs aren't so hot on the jumping thing, but...I've _fallen_ more than once..."

For the first time since he arrived he had simply rendered her speechless. She stared up at him with those vibrant eyes he had only happened to glimpse from time to time. Now he really looked, searching them as long as she would allow it, memorizing the view for later. She seemed to be doing the same, but he knew with the way she squinted, slightly wrinkling up her nose, that she was deciphering his words. It made him feel a little twitchy, if not a little nervous.

"Jeff...I..."

"Jeff now, huh?" he said with a quirk of his brow.

"Is that true?" The seriousness in her face made the usual jesting retort that might have escaped him stop dead in its tracks.

"Yes."

"That's it?" she asked, folding her arms over her chest. Joker opened his mouth but shut it again. What did she mean ' That's it?'

"For a 'ladies' man' you sure are slow on the uptake," she said.

"I'm...what?" he asked, clearly confused now.

"Or maybe it was me," she sighed, brushing her fingertips over her forehead. "I never seem to be able to flirt properly."

"You were flirting...? When?" Joker asked, trying not to sound too incredulous.

"All the time, Jeff! I visited you all the time. We've been through so much together. I figured you got the hint but you never said anything so I figured you weren't interested! Hell, saving you from the burning Normandy should have made a dent!"

It was Joker's turn to stare at her wordlessly, now.

"Okay... One: You save everybody you happen to trip over. And two: are you telling me you've been hitting on me for years?"

"I do NOT!" she gaped at him in disbelief. "I save people who need saving! I shoot everyone else!"

"Then you may as well have shot me, because I didn't need saving! And you didn't answer the question!"

"Oh, so I should have just let you burn up in that deathtrap of a ship?"

"Hey, don't you dare talk about my baby like that...," he warned. "You have no idea...I lost everything that day!" Shepard let her arms drop to her sides and stared at him with her familiar indecipherable gaze.

She had tried desperately not to let the Lazarus experience jade her, not to feel bitter about how two years had changed everything and everyone. The last thing she wanted to do was downplay everyone's trials and tragedies, but for every loss they counted off to her it was as though they forgot hers. Joker had been the only one who treated her as though she had never left. He didn't become suspicious and question the how or why or her choices. He was still the pilot and she was still the Commander he had the utmost confidence in. Now it seemed he assumed that she didn't fathom how big his losses had been. For once, she wasn't sure she was in the mood for being sympathetic.

"Joker," she said. "I think you should - "

Joker wasn't about to let her finish that sentence. It never ended well. It was funny how she had just accused him of being blind to her flirting when she didn't even notice half of what was flying over her own head. She was usually so smart and intuitive, too. Shepard always was a woman of action, though, so it seemed like there was only one sure way to get the message firmly across. 


	3. The Admission

Joker quickly closed the gap between them, forgetting the ache in his legs from standing too long as he grasped her face in his hands and kissed her. For the first few moments he merely paused there, allowing her the chance to refuse, but when she didn't he he kissed her again, and then one more time for good measure. It wasn't until halfway through the second one that Shepard realized what was happening and awkwardly returned the gesture. At least she hadn't reacted violently. That was always a good sign.

"You think I meant the Normandy, don't you...?" he asked her quietly, looking her straight in the eyes once they lifted again to meet his. "And here I thought nothing got by you, Commander."

"But you just said that - "

"Okay, I'll be the gentleman here and clue you in... As completely ass backwards as the whole scenario was, with the bruised ego and broken bones, your saving me was so very 'epic space battle romance'."

"You...enjoyed that?"

"Well, once I got past the initial 'shit, holy shit, fuck, fuck, what the shit' part, I had a fanboyish moment there, yeah."

He was relieved to see a small hint of a smile quirk at her lips.

"You really didn't change, did you?" she asked, though it sounded more like she was telling herself than really asking.

"That's not entirely true. I did change for awhile. Can't exactly go through an experience like we did without being affected."

"You're telling me," she mused.

"There I was; the best pilot in the known galaxy, no ship, no license to fly... No insane but somehow irresistible Commander to scream at me over the comm." He looked off to the side winsomely. "There was nothing I could do but sit mindlessly in front of the vid screen all day and dream of her luscious warrior curves...and cry bitter, tough-guy tears as I mourned my loss."

"How horrible for you," she smirked.

"But then came along Cerberus, and they had the technology to bring you back – faster, stronger..." His gaze cast down slightly. "...and I'm pretty certain with some extra padding in places."

"Okay, okay. Enough of the cheesy and slightly perverted sci-fi recap," she finally let out a laugh. "There's something we need to address here."

"Oh? Do tell," he smiled widely. Shepard snapped her fingers up by her eyes to command his attention away from her bust. "Yes? Sorry, I went to my happy place."

"If it wasn't obvious to either of us before, now we know that the attraction is mutual. The question is...where do we take it from there?" Joker's eyes idly wandered to the left once or twice, and then he lolled his head in the same direction none too subtly, towards her bed. "Jeff."

"What? Come on. Like you said, we're attracted. We could die any day. Reapers are on our doorstep. You're behind on your life experiences, Commander. Seize the day." She was about to say something, but she completely forgot what it was when she suddenly found herself being hoisted into his arms. The action wasn't as swift and smooth as it may have been in the space romances he so seemed to love, but there she was nonetheless. It was a little awkward for her to be swept off her feet in the most literal sense, but there was something about being cradled in the pilot's arms that made her heart flutter.

"Are you okay doing this?" she asked as he turned with the utmost caution towards her bedroom.

"Probably not. Just work with me here," he said, managing a smile as he shuffled a little bit across the floor. Shepard watched his face quietly. She saw him strain, pausing once or twice carrying her weight. His arms held her firmly with no tremor of weakness but she knew that it was his legs taking the brunt of the act. It was clear from the look on his face that he was determined to do this so she kept quiet. It was difficult not to tell him to set her down when he struggled with the step, but he managed to descend it with some effort. He took the last few feet with a little more fervor and set her down, promptly letting himself slowly lay over her, face buried against her waist.

"Jeff?"

"I'm good. Really. Good," he murmured into her stomach. Shepard snorted a little and he turned his head to look at her.

"Sorry... That tickled," she said, biting her lip.

"I would so take advantage of that if my arms weren't pinned under you," he said. Shepard carefully removed her weight from his arms, snatching his hat and placing it her head as she turned to face him. She couldn't help but snort back a laugh again as his hair flipped up, unkempt and tousled. "What? You don't dig the hat-hair?"

"Only you could make it look good, Jeff," she teased. He smiled and carefully lowered himself on the bed next to her.

"As usual, you're right. Don't think I'll go running around the bridge without my cap anytime soon, though. Don't think I'd get taken seriously."

"No one takes you seriously anyway."

"Ow. My ego," he intoned blandly before lowering himself down to lay, legs still half off the bed. "Shit, you really got it made up here, Shepard... Even sleeping in my chair isn't this comfortable."

"I wouldn't know. Don't get to use it much."

"Pity," he pouted. "Can I use it, then?"

"With or without me?" she asked, leaning over him. He looked up into her shadowed features, framed by the overhead view of the stars. It was a gorgeous sight all around, complete with all his favorite things.

"That's the question, isn't it?" he prodded as he folded his hands over his stomach. Shepard looked at him as she let her fingers brush across the rough stubble on his jaw. As she admired his features she realized that there was no strategizing about what action to take. All the logic in the world couldn't have prepared her for this or what may or may not happen because of it. Luckily, Shepard was an excellent improviser and she felt most at ease relying on her instincts. It was a rather dizzying feeling when the same thing that told her to cap someone in the knee for lying was currently pleading with her to let the helmsman do whatever he damn well wished with her.

She leaned close to him and paused only briefly before she kissed him tenderly on the lips.

Joker enjoyed being in control of the situation; it was part of the reason he enjoyed being a pilot. Having the upper hand while Shepard floundered about had been amusing and, dare he admit it, a little empowering. But when he found her lips pressing against his he was so taken with the gesture that he completely forgot the little game he had been playing. When she began to pull away from him he shifted to follow her and stop the kisses from ending. He shifted up until he was sitting, brushing his hand beneath her hair and against the back of her neck. She sidled up beside him until their hips were touching and her hand rested carefully on the top of his opposite thigh. Joker let out a warm sigh against her mouth.

"Jeff...?" she spoke softly, barely parting from him.

"God, I love how you say my name," he murmured.

"If we... Will you...?"

"I have pills."

"I'm serious." She felt his arms encircle her waist and tug her closer, turning a little to face her more directly.

"So am I. Short of you telling me to get the hell out I'm not about to quit now."

"It's not worth putting you in the infirmary just so we can get phys- "

"I love you." The train Shepard's thought had been on promptly derailed somewhere in a fiery blaze. There was no mistaking the genuine tone of his voice, and even if there was his eyes would have confirmed it. For once, he really wasn't kidding. She watched his eyes search hers, his brow creasing with concern when she continued to gape at him without a proper response. Obviously discomforted by the silence, he added, "I haven't had sex in a long time, I'll admit... And I'm not denying that I would go for it if it came up... But I can get up and walk out that door and go back to the cockpit perfectly happy knowing I finally told you. That's all I wanted." The corners of his lips tugged a little in a halfhearted attempt to smile.

Shepard's mind screamed at her body to catch up, to not let him go thinking that she didn't reciprocate. She could already feel his hold on her loosening, letting go if not entirely accepting. It seemed like ages until she finally managed to move. Somehow she made it into his lap without jarring him enough to cause a fracture. Her arms encircled his neck and she kissed him deeper than ever before. Instantly, Joker's arms were firmly around her, hands at her back, grasping and wringing at the fabric of her shirt.

"It's not all I want," she said when she finally had to break the kiss for a breath. She choked a little on her words. "I want you, Jeff... I do... I want the Reapers to go to hell for jeopardizing everything...for stealing so much time away..."

"Just tell me you love me, already," he laughed, though there was a crack in his voice that echoed hers.

Shepard smiled and brushed her fingers over his cheeks, pressing her forehead to his.

"I love you...you ass."

"Had to ruin it, didn't you?"

"You interrupted my speech. You aren't the only one who gets to have those."

"You get them all the time," he grinned, running his hands down and over her hips with a gentle squeeze to her flesh.

"Yes, because I'm Goddamn Commander Shepard. And I think you were right."

"Of course. About what?"

"I need to catch up on things...with you..."

"I-"

"It seems you agree." Joker tried desperately not to squirm as his Commander's hips settled gently into his and she became instantly aware of just how much he agreed. He had been agreeing ever since she started kissing him, but it hadn't been quite so obvious until then.

"You are going to be the death of me, woman," Joker said, gnawing on his tongue inside his mouth as she shifted against him. Whether she meant to be or not, she was a horrendous tease. Maybe she wasn't a virgin at all. Maybe she was just toying with him by dangling the idea over his head. He wasn't sure how she found out it was one of his fantasies, though he wouldn't put it past EDI to leak his extranet search history to her. If it really was just a ploy he had to thank the unseen forces for making his Commander so accommodating... and if it wasn't...well, he figured the universe owed him a present for all the shit it had thrown at him so far.

And if that wasn't enough she was blushing again. Though she tried to hide it beneath the bill of his cap, he could see it crawling clear down her neck this time. He decided to be nice for once and not mention it. Besides, there were better things to do than tease her...verbally. 


	4. The Beginning

Shepard was certain she had thought of a witty response to his latest remark, but somehow it had just vanished right out of her head. All it took were his lips pressing softly against the flushed skin of her neck and her mind went blank. She closed her eyes as he followed one after the other up towards her ear. His breath was hot and moist against her as she tilted her head to allow him access to her throat. Her hands went lax and became lost for where to go so she gently kneaded at the taut muscle of his shoulders. It came so brief she wasn't sure it had actually happened, but she could have sworn she felt his tongue touch her skin once or twice. It made a shiver run through her spine.

Joker didn't really know where to begin. Correction, he did know where to begin in general but not in this specific situation. He wanted everything to be perfect for her, doubly so since it was her first time experiencing it. On the other hand, though, he couldn't help but feel like a ravenous, starving man in front of a fully stocked buffet table where he wanted to shamelessly devour everything. It didn't help that every time she shifted in his lap he felt like chancing the broken bones just to properly jump her. Hell, he could have ended up in the med bay in casts from neck to toe and it would have been completely worth it.

As he worked his way back to her mouth again he noticed her fingertips were tugging at the shirt of his uniform, slowly pulling it from where it tucked into his pants. She had already stolen his hat but it seemed like she wasn't stopping there. More than happy to oblige, he reached down and tugged the garment over his head and tossed it on the floor.

"Mr. Moreau...," Shepard hummed as she leaned back to glance him over. Joker couldn't help beaming a little. All those years of therapeutic strength training had blessed him with a physique to be proud of. At a glance no one would even guess he suffered from Vrolik syndrome thanks to the Alliance's fitness requirements. Shepard thoroughly appreciated it, too. Her fingers graced his chest and tickled over the curves of his biceps. As Joker begin to pull at her shirt in turn she restrained the ingrained urge to stop him and shivered a bit as the cool air hit her skin.

"Not so bad yourself," the pilot grinned crookedly, and this time he didn't just mean her breasts. He had always figured the Commander had to be pretty fit to endure the fights she did and he wasn't wrong. "I think you have better abs than I do!"

"Yeah, yeah, enough," she insisted, obviously embarrassed though he knew she would never admit it. Joker smiled lovingly and brushed his hands over her bare back, fingering the hook of her bra just below her shoulder blades. She wriggled a little, pressing her hands to his chest in mild protest.

"Relax," he soothed as the bra came unhooked without a struggle. In the back of his mind he commended himself for being so slick at the maneuver. He gradually pulled it the molded fabric away from her and took her affectionately into his arms. She instantly embraced him in return, allowing him to mold their forms together and enjoying the intimate warmth of skin upon skin. Joker felt her bury her face against his neck which unintentionally knocked the cap off her head. He did the same but also kissed her there as his fingertips traced the scars on her flesh. She had mentioned how Cerberus had removed all the old ones. They really spoke of who she was and what she'd been through so he could understand her disappointment. As he touched them he wondered what story each of them told.

There was one that indicated a particularly deep wound up along her rib.

"That was the Shadow Broker," she indicated, pulling away from him enough to regard the battle wound herself.

"I heard about that. Bigger than a Krogan, right?" His fingers traced the end of the scar up to where it led to the underside of her breast. "How did it do that...?"

"Well, after I punched him in the face he got kind of pissed of charged me."

"Of course... You punched him in the face," Joker chuckled. "Makes sense..." With a gentle press he took the weight of her breast into his hand and began slowly caressing it. When his thumb brushed her hardened nipple her lips parted with a sigh. It was a sight Joker decided he could get used to. His lips found her neck again, though the kisses moved down over her collarbone this time. Much to his delight his Commander was very receptive to his touches and the noises she started making when he leaned in and traced his tongue over her nipple set his body aflame.

Shepard arched against Joker's ministrations, pressing her breast against his mouth as she felt the heat between her legs grow more intense. He had barely done anything to her and already she felt pleasurably frantic. She was glad her cabin was on its own floor and away from curious ears because she wasn't sure she could keep quiet if he kept on like he was. Though she made a conscious effort to keep her weight off him, she kept finding her hips grinding up against his. One time she brushed herself over the bulge in his pants and heard him moan against her chest. It sounded very...naughty.

Heated, Joker kissed her almost bruisingly hard, grasping her hip with a hand and coaxing her carefully off him and onto her back. He rolled to lay beside her, reinitiating their kiss while his hand slid over her side and edged down to the waistline of her pants.

"Should I take those off?" she cooed against his lips.

"Pretty please," he replied, letting her go long enough so that she could shimmy her hips out of the cargo pants. He couldn't stop the the gleeful smirk from spreading on his face when the underwear went with them. Honestly, part of him wanted to squeal with utter joy, arms flying and legs kicking if his body would have allowed it. When she returned to his side after giving him the alluring show of crawling nude on the bed towards him, he grasped her thigh and pulled her leg around his waist. She made a startled noise that caused him to chuckle.

"What about yours? Or do you plan on just torturing me?"

"In due time. It's you that I'm thinking about. Besides, I don't want you to be distracted."

"You have the biggest ego I have ever seen," Shepard snorted.

"Aw, you sure now how to talk to a guy...," he smiled widely and let his fingers tickle at the crease of her thigh.

"Quite the nimble fingers, there, Jeff," she said with a nervous laugh that she hadn't expected to come to the surface.

"You have no idea..." The smile turned into a downright grin as his fingers edged down and delved into the moist folds of her sex. She hadn't even realized she had become so wet. As Joker slowly began to explore her most intimate parts, Shepard became keenly aware that there was a huge difference in how it felt to have someone else touch her there. She was only human, after all, and so she had learned how to satisfy herself in the best ways possible, but nothing came even remotely close to this. It also seemed that Joker's talent for navigating was not confined to just the Normandy.

Though his fingers pried along her opening and stroked the tender flesh of her folds, it didn't take long before he moved towards the small bundle of nerves. He knew exactly where it was and Shepard could tell when he started rubbing his moistened thumb against it in torturous swirls that she was doomed. A shock wave of pleasure jolted through her body and it caused her to grip his arm a little harder than she meant to. When he shifted she pulled her hand back and looked at him with concern.

"Leaving love marks, are we?" he smiled again, crookedly. She looked to see what he meant and was relieved that she hadn't done any major damage. Her nails had left some pretty intense scratches, though. When she opened her mouth to speak he stopped her. "Don't you dare apologize... If I'm going to have battle wounds I will be more than happy to have them come from you... Besides... I like it when you let loose a bit..." She gasped when his fingers started moving against her again, unable to stop herself from bucking into his hand. He moved close and brushed his cheek against hers, his beard scratching a little. "That's my Commander..."

Shepard had to give it to him. When Joker's voice pitch dropped into its lower register she felt like melting. She remembered having teased Garrus once by telling him that his voice could set women's pants on fire. He had become very confused and alarmed about this and asked if he should consult with Mordin, but she finally managed to explain to him that it was just a figure of speech and he reminded her how odd her species was. Now she could honestly say Joker had won that prize.

It was all it took, coupled with his expert hands, to send her reeling over the edge. She wasn't sure if he was just that good or if it was because she hadn't done anything sexual for a long time, but her orgasm seemed to go on forever. She whimpered and moaned as she rode the waves until it receded, leaving her body trembling with the aftershocks.

"Not too shabby, hm?" she heard him purr beside her. She shook her head rather than speak, unsure of whether her vocal cords would allow it. Joker was halfway in the middle of doing a victory dance in his head when he felt her hands at his pants. Before he knew it his belt was on the floor and she was undoing the clasp. The eager actions made him wonder about what he had just unleashed here.

"Work with me here, Jeff," she huffed and he pressed himself up on his arms to allow her the ability to slide the pants off his hips. Thankfully, she had the courtesy of not ripping them off and doing some damage to his already tender privates. "Batman."

"No, Joker," he grinned and then glanced down and realized what she meant. His boxers were emblazoned with the bat symbol smack in the middle of his crotch. He grasped the blanket beneath him and took on a serious look. "Don't you judge me. You aren't allowed to insult the Goddamn Batman ..._'Goddamn Commander Shepard'_."

"I'm not judging," Shepard chuckled as she pulled his pants off his calves once his boots were out of the way. "I used to read comics, too. It just looks like the Dark Knight pitched a tent in your boxers."

"Yeah, _used to_," Joker coughed, but then became intrigued. "Wait, you read comics? Which ones?"

"Well, Batman was one of them. It's a classic and I like classic literature. But I always thought the Joker was ten times more interesting than Batman. Oh, hi there." Joker had come to full sitting position again and was hugging her about her waist with his head against her ribs where she stood.

"I'm such a lucky man," he swooned. "My Commander is a nerd."

Shepard shook her head with an amused smile and then took notice of something as she gently rubbed at the back of his neck.

"You don't have any leg braces on."

"Yeah," he said, leaning back with his hands still brushing her thighs. "You aren't the only one with new hardware. When Cerberus recruited me they outfitted me with cybernetics in my legs to take some of the burden off my bones. It's not a hundred percent fixed, but at least I can move around on my own."

"I remember wondering about that when I turned around and saw you standing there. Of course, seeing you at all was such a surprise, I guess I forgot to ask about it." She bent down and tucked her fingers into the waistline of his boxers to gently slide them off his hips.

Joker admittedly felt better with the restriction removed from his hardened member, but he felt a little strange being completely naked in front of his Commander. It was something he knew he would get over quickly enough, especially when she climbed back onto the bed with him and kissed him affectionately. He reached up to cup the back of her neck again and lightly traced the tip of his tongue against her lips, coaxing hers out to play. As he sucked on the tender flesh of her tongue he felt her hand stroking down his stomach and his groin began to ache with anticipation. Her daring fingers touched him just barely at first, but became a bit bolder when he gave an appreciative growl against her mouth. Joker resisted the urge to close her hand around him - her exploring caresses were downright torturous - but he was finally rewarded when he felt her fingers slowly curl around his length. She gave it a light squeeze and then parted from his kisses.

"So... how do I...?"

"You're off to a good start...just..." He gave up on words and simply placed his hand over hers, coaxing it into a gradual pumping motion around him. He put some pressure on her upper two fingers to increase the tightness of her hold, and felt something between a delirious laugh and a moan escape his throat. Shepard was a fast learner and once she had the rhythm down she was playing him like a fiddle. Joker buried his face in her neck and panted heatedly against her shoulder. Forget the extranet, forget the late night porn binges, after this he was damn near certain he would never be able to go back. As his Commander..._his Commander_...gripped and rubbed him, he knew that he wasn't going to last very long. The precum had already slickened her hand against him and, though it was amazing, it wasn't how he wanted to end. "Oh...okay..wait..wait...stop." Though he found it hard to stop her, his erection throbbing with disappointment, he was glad that she did as asked instantly. Once or twice more and no amount of will power could have stopped the inevitable.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked and he couldn't help but give a breathless laugh.

"No... I just don't want this over that quick." With a little effort he pulled his legs up and beneath him on the bed. He knew Shepard was watching him like a hawk, ready to leap in and help if he showed any signs of wavering. It was sweet and agitating at the same time. He had lived with his condition all his life and by this point he knew how to handle it. He still had to move slow despite the improvements made, but the point was he could move unassisted. He was just thankful she granted him that, allowing him whatever time he needed to do what he wanted. All in all she had been perfectly receptive for the better part of their time together and he loved it. When he moved over to her and kissed her tenderly, coaxing her down on her back, there were no questions...just trust.

Shepard smiled a little against Joker's lips when a sense of complete warmth and comfort washed over her. Something about him felt like home, like the world was simpler than it really was. The way he kissed her and touched her, so careful and gentle, it was as though he thought she would break. The way he felt and even how he smelled, so utterly _Joker_, made her wish she had done this sooner. She had put her trust in him before and it had always paid off, so when she did it now she really couldn't be surprised that he hadn't betrayed it in the slightest. She was a lucky woman for a slough of reasons but right now, having him guide her through this, loving her, she couldn't have felt more so.

"Ready...?" he asked as she felt the warmth of him probing at her moist flesh below. She looked up at him and nodded. Joker ducked head to one side of hers as he inched forward and slowly began to slide inside her. His fingers gripped the bedding as he felt her heat envelop him, wet and inviting. Yep, no going back to the vids after this, he mused. As soon as he had hilted inside her for the first time he leaned back up to watch her. Her eyes were closed, lips slightly parted as her head tilted just a little to the side. Her hands were on his biceps, squeezing the muscle there as a soft whimpering noise escaped her lips.

Joker paused inside her, mentally trying to ready himself for this. He was already closer to the edge than he would have liked, but if he took it slow he figured he would be okay. Sliding out and back in he felt his entire body shudder, his hips instinctively bucking back in awkwardly. The motion made Shepard cry out and she opened her eyes to look at him.

"Sorry," Joker breathed, smiling sheepishly.

"It's okay. Just...startled me."

"Are you doing okay?" he asked, leaning on his elbows and letting his fingertips brush through her hair and over her cheek.

"Yeah...just kind of ...tight."

"Yes, I know," he said with a somewhat nervous chuckle.

"Keep going, Jeff...," she murmured, pressing her hips up into his. Joker hummed lowly in his throat at the feeling and began to move his hips in a more even rhythm. Shepard followed him with her own hips for a moment, and arched her back as he continued to fill her deeply. The pilot began to kiss whatever he could reach, her jaw, her neck, and occasionally her breasts whenever she bowed into him. He couldn't believe this was happening, much less when he felt one of her legs wrap around him, flushed thigh hot against his hip. Shifting his weight, he lifted a hand back to grasp and knead the flesh there, holding her hips level with his.

"Fuck," Joker said, his voice caught in his throat, tone thick with passion and a hint of desperation.

"Jeff," Shepard moaned, leaning up to kiss him. He returned it hungrily, every now and then dueling her tongue with his. "Yes...Jeff... I want you..."

"Holy...shit...," he swore, feeling the heat and tension rise to an almost unbearable point in his groin. "Shit, shit...shit..." It was then he felt Shepard's muscles clamp around him and there was no holding back any longer. He felt his head swim as he poured into her, so he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to her shoulder. Shepard's arms moved up around him and held him until his muscles began to relax again. His breath moistened her skin with heat as he tried to regain his breath.

"You okay...?" she asked quietly.

"Shit," came his reply and she chuckled. Shortly after, Joker made the attempt to move off her, allowing her to help him roll to his back this time. Shepard nabbed the blanket that had been shoved to one side of the bed and pulled it over herself, tossing the other end over him. While she was leaning over him, Joker caught her in his arms. "Mine."

Shepard laughed. "Oh, really?"

"Damn straight."

"Well, according to you, you might have some competition."

"Naw. I'm too awesome to have competition... Besides... the Normandy has really big guns."

"You're not serious."

"Try me," Joker grinned with a rather evil quirk of his brow.

"Little extreme, much?" she said, laying her head on his chest. His fingers traced circles on her bare back.

"Just another thing we have in common, Miss I-shoot-everyone-else."

"Ha ha," she intoned. "This was...wonderful, by the way."

"Not that I doubted...but...I'm glad you thought so," he said with a soft smile, gently tousling her already messed up hair.

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked, sounding a little anxious.

"So much that I would quit my job and just do this all day," he mused, and then seemed to seriously consider it. When his eyes darted back to her and he made to ask, she interrupted.

"No."

"Damn."

"Tell you what... after all this is said and done, if we're still alive and not enslaved, I will happily arrange a shore leave for us."

"Ooo, let's go somewhere tropical so I can see you in a bikini." Shepard gave him a crooked expression.

"You've seen me naked."

"So? Imagining is half the fun... I just have a better reference to imagine now." He gasped. "Will you run in slow motion through the waves on the beach?"

"Jeff."

"Fine, we can work out the details later."

"Whatever you want, my perverted little pilot." Joker actually giggled then.

"What now?" Shepard asked, letting her fingers brush across his prickly beard.

"Just having a fanboy moment again." Shepard edged up and hovered over him.

"I'm not dressing up in costumes for you."

"But you said -!" She kissed him soft and lingering to quiet his protests. Joker's voice rumbled in his chest with a pleased noise.

"I think you'll live."

"Careful or we might be in for round two..."

"When training it's best to repeat the skill you're leaning until you've got it perfect," she smirked and Joker gave her a sideways grin. "Don't you agree?"

"Yes ma'am!"

_FIN _


End file.
